Yesterday was such a great day!! My wonderful daughter woke me up with a present and hugs and told me to get dressed for food…lol…I got an awesome cat t-shirt and card and then she took me to McDonald’s – it’s our usual spot for Mother’s Day – and then we came home and because I’ve had a headache for about a week, I took some meds and slept til the afternoon. We ordered pizza and played World of Warcraft until almost midnight…lol…it was a great day – spent with my favorite person and relaxing and trying not to get killed in the game…lol…I love playing the game with her…it’s become ‘our’ thing and while we don’t always play at the same time every time, it’s just a great way to bond with her – even though she does growl at me for not doing dungeons and raids…lol…in any case, it was a great Mother’s Day.
Got a phone call from my Mom this morning that put me on a low point for the day.
I know death is inevitable. And after losing my Sister, I think losing a loved one with no warning is worse than having time to say those final words.
But, even when you think you have time to say those final words, the ending sometimes still comes with no warning.
Say ‘I love you’ every day.
Hugs are awesome – hug everyone.
I love you all and consider yourself ((hugged))
Easter weekend was AWESOME!! Saturday I had a table at a small local anime con (Shobou Con) and I sold most of my hats!! That was such an awesome feeling. Honestly, I had been dancing with the idea of shutting down FurrVille and I waited to see how Saturday went and well, I believe in signs so, doing as good as we did, that’s an awesome sign to keep FurrVille going. I must be doing something right…smile…
Sunday I spent with dd and friends and had a great Easter dinner – we ate so much we were in a food coma…lol…but, nobody walked away from the table hungry!!! So, to me, that was a win!!!
I’m feeling like working on the sewing machine again. But this time, there is no rush, just gotta build up the merchandise and work on the Etsy store. Oh, and write somewhere in between sewing and Etsy…lol…
I have been super busy sewing..sewing…sewing…I’m trying to stay faithful to the schedule I’ve set up for myself with both writing and sewing. Nobody is going to make me successful but myself. I know that and plan on working hard for what I want. I am trying to keep my inner demons at bay and trying to stay motivated and not cave to the darkness that beckons to me.
Sounds dark and dismal doesn’t it? But, I promised to be honest to myself and putting it out here for everyone to see and read is like making me keep that promise – it’s almost like airing out my dirty laundry…lol…which as a kid, I was raised to not do…lol…
There will always be things that I will keep close to the chest. But when it comes to my writing and sewing and the dark inner demons, I am willing to share. I’m not the only one that suffers and I’m glad to share what I deal with. Maybe I can help someone realize that they aren’t alone either. We are together – maybe not living together or even in the same city or state, but, online brings us together and having similar demons bring us together.
As I’ve always said, take one day at a time…baby steps…set small, realistic goals each day and don’t get frustrated when you get side-tracked – it happens.
So, what is on your agenda for today? Writing an article? Writing a blog post? Writing a chapter or two of your WIP? Editing? Sewing? Crafts? Making jewelry? Drawing?
Over the weekend, in between playing World of Warcraft with dd and sewing a hat or two, I was checking out Facebook. When don’t I right? Anyway, a friend was having a moment and she wrote ‘I’m struggling if I should give up writing all together’. I of course immediately wrote back how I can relate and she shouldn’t give up. She replied that she had no intention of giving up writing – but might stop publishing. Of course, that is her choice but…I dunno, if you already have fans, why stop publishing?
I’ve always dealt with the ‘maybe I should quit’ battle. I stepped back and thought about what she wrote. Tried to see where she was coming from. Her sales weren’t all that great and she does write in her native language so maybe that is a problem? I did suggest maybe trying a different marketing technique. When I published my poetry book, I didn’t do it for the sales. I did it because I wanted to and I was ready for it.
However, what to do about the ‘maybe I should quit’ battle? That is something that only we can settle individually. I have thought about just hanging up the pen and finding something else to do. But I can’t. It’s in my blood. It’s who I am. It’s always been there for me – I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I quit. It’s a way for me to escape into another world and not deal with reality for a little while. It might take me forever to get where I want to be, but, I will get there.
So, no quitting for me…smile…
Yesterday I read a blog post that just smacked me with the ah-ha moment. I don’t know why I had the idea that I had to hide my thoughts. I know I’m not the only writer who has self-doubt or the ‘what did I just write?’ moments. And to be honest, it’s good to say that. Yes, I have self-doubt about tons of things. Unfortunately, my writing is on that list.
How could anyone like what I write? Will anyone even read it? Will they laugh? Or will it put them to sleep?
Yesterday, I needed that ah-ha moment. I honestly felt like a brick had fallen off my shoulders – it was like, I was looking in the mirror and saw myself in those written words. I felt rejuvenated in a way. I need to stop hiding behind the ‘oh what if’ and just do it. I’ve often felt like I was just a hobby writer. I’ve been writing and dreaming since I was in elementary school. Now, almost 30ish years later I’m just beginning to realize that I’m not alone.
I have moments where I stare at my screen and nothing comes out. I feel like a fake – a fraud. No words are flowing. How can I call myself a writer when I’m not writing anything? Days will go by and I’ve not written. Then all of a sudden BAM!!
I’m writing again!!!
Why do we creative people punish ourselves? We have a gift. We should be sharing and entertaining people. To those who can sit and write every day and pop out articles / blog posts every day and several books each year, I am in awe and yeah, slightly jealous. I wish my head could stop spinning long enough for me to write more than a blog post. I wish my mind could focus on one thing at a time. I tend to get distracted by stuff going on around me, or in my head and any discipline I have goes out the door.
When things aren’t good or flowing right in my life, my creative side takes the hit. I know that. I just don’t know how to fix it. I think that’s why I write the blog posts or poetry. I’m still being creative. I’m keeping my toes in the writing world. I want to do more than just float though.
I feel like I am constantly redefining myself. I was trying to figure out who I was as a kid. When I became an adult and was in college but my heart kept pulling my attention elsewhere. Twenty-one years ago when I had dd. Then when I moved to the beach and away from my family – only about 100 miles and 2 hours away. Then again when I became homeless and lived in a hotel room and my dd lived 100 miles and 2 hours away and I only saw her on the weekends. Then again a year later when I finally got back on my feet in an apt with dd. And yet again when I married and merged my life with xh (ex-husband). And when my only sibling and Sister died 8 years ago. Oh and yep, again, a year ago when xh and I separated.
I don’t think I missed a time…maybe…not sure…
You would think that by now, I know exactly who I am. Well, no, I don’t. Oh sure, I know that I am a Mom, and x wife, a writer, a poet and a seamstress to a point. I want to be defined for myself – who I am. For my writing. For my crafts. Sometimes I feel like there is something inside me screaming for freedom and yet I keep it trapped inside – am I trapping myself? Am I hindering myself from growing? From defining my true self? Will I ever know who I really am or will I always play safe and not let the whole me shine?
I’m kinda excited and yet nervous all at the same time.
So, I’ve always felt other people’s pain and anguish. I feel drained after being around certain people. I just put it off to…just the way things are. Just me being weird. And I never admitted or discussed it with anyone. Until recently. I’ve been separated for a year. And in that year I have changed. Or maybe I haven’t.
My daughter first noticed she was an empath in middle school. When she discussed it with me, I did what I always do, just pushed it off and told her not to tell anyone. Most people can’t understand those who are different – society frowns on people that are different. Anything different should be shunned or put into a padded room.
In the past year, I’ve noticed that I am way more emotional and things don’t just bounce off me. I feel pain and anguish more. I started crying in a restaurant after reading about one of my favorite cats at a sanctuary dying – my daughter threatened to take my phone from me in restaurants.
But, shouldn’t we all feel pain and anguish when something tragic happens? If we are all normal (what is normal??), well adjusted humans (who decides if we are?), shouldn’t being an empath be a part of all of us? Or are some people more sensitive to the universe? Why is it only some of us? Or are there more of us but like me, none want to admit it? None want to wear that title?
I’ve always thought I was just weird for wanting my own space. Craving quiet time – time alone. I didn’t just crave it though. I damn near begged for it – I’d send my daughter to Grandma for the weekend just to get me time. And my ex never understood how I could say I wasn’t alone when he was in the garage – he wasn’t in the same room with me but I would still claim that I wasn’t alone – I wasn’t having me time. I even asked him to move out of our bedroom and make the third bedroom his – he refused. Now I know that it was a logical request and I won’t live with anyone unless we have separate rooms. No, I don’t think that would have saved my marriage, but, it woulda helped my sanity.
I’m at the stage in my life where I need to find myself again. I need to accept who I am and what makes me tick – even if I’m considered weird by society – I don’t care anymore. They aren’t living my life and they are definitely not in my head. They don’t feel the pain I do when I read/watch the news. They don’t cringe like I do when I see pictures of hurt animals or children. They don’t feel like I do.
What about you? Are you an empath? Or do you think those that claim to be are just nuts? If you are, how do you handle living with someone? Do you also crave alone time?
If you aren’t but live with one, how do you handle that side?
I’ve been MIA the past couple of weeks – I’ve been sewing hats and stuff for an upcoming anime con I have a table at next month. Very excited about it. Anything I can do to promote my hats and tails and stuff for Furrville is worth it – sides, I love going to cons
Who else designs/sews/makes stuff for cons or craft shows? Do you love it or has it become more than a hobby? Did it start out as a hobby? Or did you start out as a small business and made it bigger? Do you have a .com or an Etsy store or do you sell only on eBay or all of the above? Which do you prefer, craft shows or cons? Does it matter? I have a problem with having a ton of ideas and switching projects – yes, that is a problem – especially if you don’t finish the current project!!! …lol…
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