Posted by: S. Elisabeth M. Abbott | March 10, 2016

Redefining Yourself

I feel like I am constantly redefining myself. I was trying to figure out who I was as a kid. When I became an adult and was in college but my heart kept pulling my attention elsewhere. Twenty-one years ago when I had dd. Then when I moved to the beach and away from my family – only about 100 miles and 2 hours away. Then again when I became homeless and lived in a hotel room and my dd lived 100 miles and 2 hours away and I only saw her on the weekends. Then again a year later when I finally got back on my feet in an apt with dd. And yet again when I married and merged my life with xh (ex-husband). And when my only sibling and Sister died 8 years ago. Oh and yep, again, a year ago when xh and I separated.

Whew…

I don’t think I missed a time…maybe…not sure…

You would think that by now, I know exactly who I am. Well, no, I don’t. Oh sure, I know that I am a Mom, and x wife, a writer, a poet and a seamstress to a point. I want to be defined for myself – who I am. For my writing. For my crafts. Sometimes I feel like there is something inside me screaming for freedom and yet I keep it trapped inside – am I trapping myself? Am I hindering myself from growing? From defining my true self? Will I ever know who I really am or will I always play safe and not let the whole me shine?

I’m kinda excited and yet nervous all at the same time.

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Responses

  1. Your post made me think of Boz Lurman and his graduation “speech”. I can’t remember the actual line but there’s something about knowing people who are older who are still trying to figure out what they want to be when they grow up. The truth is we are not stagnant. We shift and change like a beach – every wave alters who we are. There is nothing wrong with that. It’s what keeps us alive. Learning and discovering those parts of us we didn’t know or forgot existed. That’s my favorite part. Every year, I find I have different dreams. There are core dreams but as I become more self aware I realize there are just some dreams I am not really interested in pursuing. Doesn’t mean I was wrong. I just learned something different, new about myself and that dream is no longer a part of who I am.

    Liked by 1 person


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